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| Hmm, it's been a while since I've posted anything worthwhile, and despite the lack of enthusiasm most people have when it comes to reading my petty little xanga, I feel obligated to write down every thought I have involved in this matter, as it may be one of the most important revelations I have in my lifetime. It's just that important.
Ok, for those of you that don't know, which should be just about anyone who's reading this.. Despite my passion for precluding people of the any knowledge surrounding any and all of my life, I will catch anyone who is reading this up to current chapter of my story. All things up to this point, and how they occurred, will still remain in mystery, and time frames will be left out for no real reason..
I am in Korea, specifically Seoul, more specifically slimdong, >.>; which is one of the parts of Seoul, but Seoul is by far one of the biggest cities I've ever encountered, and it's not so much of a city as it is, an all encompassing region of major urban Korea. As in, getting from one end to the other end of Seoul is like.. a ridiculous journey, but I digress.
More specifically, I'm living with my Uncle and Aunt, and cousin, biding my time until I attend Seoul National University. And living with my Uncle and Aunt, and basically meeting all of my family for the first time in about 5 years, is tiring, but fun. It was especially fun, because I got to meet my 2 year old niece. Now, learning that I'm an uncle is quite one thing, but meeting the niece is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. She is the most adorable baby, even though she's 2 I'm gonna reference her as a baby, I have ever met. Probably because it's the first time I've met the next generation after me.
Now I hear stories all about how I was young, and just crazy. She is exactly like me in that way. Everyone wonders who she got that from, and I'm guessing it's the same person I got it from, anyways. She basically loves to touch everything, and figure out how things work. She also has an obsession with phones, and pretending to use them. She also has a temper-side, where if she gets angry with someone, she'll hit them uncontrollably. And it's extremely stressful watching her, because I always worry about her safety. But despite that, everyone always asks me, "Isn't she a handful", and of course I go, "Yea" but I always say, "Since she's soo cute, it's ok.." And of course everyone agrees.
You might wonder where I'm going with this, how this has to deal with parents, but, I guess it's my first lesson in what it means to love a child, despite whatever trouble they get into. I mean, sure, I barely even know her, but instinctively I feel I have a deep understanding of her, and just love her, and want to see her smile and laugh. It's beginning to understand this feeling, that helps me understand my parents.
Then, I have my Uncle and Aunt who I'm living with, and I see how my cousin, who's 15, acts with them. It's like story of my life, and how I acted with my parents. I see the wanting to be uninterrupted, doing his own thing, and just wanting to relax whenever he can. I mean, Korean schooling is tough, wake up at like 7, school till 3, night school till 10-12ish.. it's tough, barely any time. And when he gets home, he just wants to relax, I can understand that.
And the my other cousin, who's about, a year older than me, is in college, she's studying to be a nurse. She reminds me of me exactly. The only time she'll really call her parents is when it's about time her parents send her money. And then she usually stops answering phone calls. My Uncle and Aunt are funny, sometimes they deliberately not send it, just to get her to call. But I mean, I understand, she has a tough time in school, coming back to see her parents isn't easy. An hour or two bus ride to get here, and then same to get back. It's tough.
And then there's me. I'm usually sitting around, I've started boxing, but that's another story. I sit in my Aunt's restaurant when it's time for us to eat. And I see the difference when I'm around to eat with my Uncle and Aunt and when I'm not. My Aunt really likes to see me eat with her, and my Uncle always wants me to drink with him. And it's always fun, because it's been a while since I've eaten with a family. And even though they're really busy, just pulling end's meat, this small time we share, is probably the best part of their day. So I always try to stick around longer, make coffee, so that they can enjoy a longer break. And I see the difference in their moods.
Then I see how it is when my cousin comes, and my Uncle and Aunt get even happier, but then he just wants to eat and go do his own stuff, so he's never around long, and I try to get him to stay a little longer, because it really changes their, Uncle and Aunt, eyes when he's around and not. And then I see how they react when my other cousin calls. And how much they want to know about how she's doing, and just wants to talk.
I pick up on all the subtle changes in their mood, depending on what's going on. How much joy they get from just hearing or seeing their children even for a minute. And of course they don't want to tell their kids about financial troubles, and just make sure they're living comfortably. The sacrifices they go through to try to make it all possible. I guess their related to us for a reason, because they're so similar, the situations. Then again, it's prolly always like this, with any family.
The differences are so huge. But because I met my 2 year old niece, I can understand how people can effect us so badly. I just forget about everything when I'm with my niece. I can see all the burdens being lifted from my Uncle and Aunt when they're able to be with my cousins and me.
I look at this, and think of just how badly I've treated my own parents. When I think of any time I've suffered, it probably doesn't come close to what my parents go through. How all that time can't be taken back, all my actions.
I'm sure my parents are the exact same way with me and my sister. When they hear my voice they probably relax a little more. When I was around they seemed to have more energy. Compared to how lonely it feels without us, my sister and I. I can vividly remember all the times I've chosen not to answer their calls, and how I cold-heartedly picked the moments I would. All the unanswered voice messages, and unreturned calls.
One small action from me, could probably change their whole day. And here I just wanted to be left alone. What a joke, huh? Just watching the days go by, and seeing all those things I did to my parents be done to my Uncle and Aunt is such a joke. I could have done more.
I'm not gonna sit and mope about all the wrong I've done, but I definitely know all the mistakes I've made. And I finally understand a little bit, about this thing called selfless love, true unconditional love. Not only have I been given a chance to witness it, but also be a part of it.
Now, I still feel this entry is very rough, and incoherent, but if you at least read this last paragraph, it might be worth it.
Your parents, despite what they may say, or how they might act, miss you. And while they can really annoy you in every way possible, know that, you change their whole perspective about the world. Your existence is special, in that, you can change how these people feel, just by smiling and talking to them. Just by being there, you can really change their mood.
I'm not saying, change you whole way of life. But maybe, just maybe, call one more time than you normally would. Stay 10, 15 minutes longer at the dinner table, than you normally would. Choose to be with them, just for a tiny bit. Our small actions, can turn mountains out of mole-hills. They can profoundly change your parents. Get them through their long days just a little bit easier.
Maybe you won't agree, but I've seen the impact we can have on our parents. And I'm just sorry I didn't notice sooner. And I hope, someday, you all will understand it. Just how much of a difference, 30 seconds, another sentence, a smile, can make to your parents. They only annoy us, cuz they really do love us.
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| I'm kinda bored, so I think I'm gonna play a new game with xanga. Most of the time, I end up writing about my thoughts, feelings, and personal experiences which manifest as a temporary window into the world through my eyes. Now, I find that all nice and dandy, considering it's a way in which I can also peer into how I perceive this world that I've come to live in, but like I said, I'm kind of bored of that, and want to do something a little more active. Therefore, I think I'll start to write stories, and split them in segments of entries, and make them into some kind of day by day/week by week chapters. Probably not a lot of people will read them, but it sounds kinda enjoyable from my standpoint, and I want to see where my imagination will exactly go.
Chapter 1: All You Have is Your Ego
Why do people hide their true nature?
Is it their real self?
Or only a virtual image?
Can people turn lies into truth?
For as long as I could remember,
I've been hated by people.
I wondered why, but never knew.
I just lived my life the way I thought I should.
But, there was always one person,
Who would always treat me normally,
Masashi Reyd
But really for me,
He is the one person I despised most in this world.
No matter what I thought,
It was him who thought completely opposite of me.
I hated the cheerful and adored Masashi.
He projected the image of a picturesque family.
And I loathed the pitiful look in his eyes.
His attitude appeared hypocritcal to me.
He acted like he doesn't discriminate against me.
But I will make him recognize his own hypocracy,
His true self.
I swore revenge.
I'll rob him of everything precious to him,
Everything he loves.
..............................
"All you have is your ego
You want everything the way you wish it
Little fool.."
Those last words spoken were not his own, but continued to echo in what appeared to be an endless dream. As he felt his mind wandering away, a sharp tone caught his attention. The piercing tone continued to pound away into his thoughts before opening his eyes. The light haze that had slowly shrouded his mind lifted in the brilliance of the morning sun, and the monotonous tone continued to beep in his presence.
His arm began to make it's way to the disturbance, while the room fell back into silence. Taking in a deep breath, as his eyes wandered across the empty room, a heavy sigh left his lips, almost as to confirm and regret the new morning.
With that, his outstretched arm slowly covered his face, while releasing another sigh. Closing his eyes, he recalled vividly his dream, or perhaps, his subconscious ambition, and simply let off a chuckle. Relieving himself with another sigh, he quickly rose and followed through with his morning routine, merely getting ready for another day of school.
As he reached the doorway, while putting on his scuffled shoes, his head turned behind him, and softly murmured, "I'm off" towards a seemingly endless darkness. Rising quickly, and closing the door behind him, the words quietly echoed through the empty corridor of his apartment.
While walking towards school, the sun, still in the process of rising, hits the darkest part of his eyes, almost blinding him for an instant. As the sharp glare subsides, a shadow slowly protruded over his face. It was the shadow of the face and smile he'd always been greeted with in the morning, that same face and smile he wanted to destroy.
..............................
Mindlessly wandering for a moment, between class periods, he found himself watching two girls moving to a more secluded area. Recognizing who these girls were, he follows them without a moment of hesitation.
Both girls, dressed in white, buttoned, long-sleeved shirts, covered by a light orange and white sailor's top, along with a black skirt, slightly above their knees, as was the normal summer uniform, found themselves in a small lounge, glancing around the room, as if waiting for the heavy silence to break itself.
On the left side, he sees Misa Kirito, with long, reddish-orange hair, flowing all the way down to her back, along with bangs slightly covering her orange-tinted eyes, which were set upon the other girl.
The other girl was Kana Ashihara, who had a much shorter, nearly shoulder-length, light purple hair, slightly curled towards the edges, which matched her slightly purple eyes that were gazing down onto the ground. Hesitant, she bites the lower part of her lip before saying, "I'm going to confess to Masashi."
Misa, taken back as her eyes widen slightly, gently moves her gaze towards the ground before turning back to Kana, while Kana continues, "I just don't want to regret giving up on him.. I have to tell him straight up, right? Even though, he might not be able to accept me as anything other than a friend.."
Misa just puts her hand on Kana's shoulder before responding with a smile, "If it's you, I'm sure things will work out."
Kana a little reluctant, mutters with doubt, "I wonder if I can.."
But Misa continues to reassure her, "I'll go with you, if you're afraid, because we're friends, right?"
Kana's face brightens while saying, "That means a lot, Misa." And quickly embraces Misa.
Misa a little surprised, pauses for a moment before returning the hug. Her eyes gaze towards the floor, with a slight pained expression.
"She's wearing a mask.." He quietly laughed to himself after witnessing this small exchange, and couldn't help but bear a grin. "This'll be my chance.."
So this is the first installment, of what I hope will be many more, if I don't get bored.. umm, criticism and comments are welcome. I will probably polish this up a little more, considering I didn't spend too much time on it, so I really do welcome all comments, because I need to fix it up as well as I can. So help out!
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| Keeping it simple..
It feels crummy to be blamed for something, even more so if that blame comes from false accusations, and then even further when others add towards that blame.
In short, don't be quick to blame others, and don't be fooled to follow others blindly. The outer most layer is the outer most layer for a reason, it's vain and fragile, and it is impossible to look within by simply staring at the outside. Don't take things for face value, and never forget how to question. Because though we can be swayed by a few words, falsehood can also be broken by a few words. Even though you hear this lesson constantly, it's so simple to forget. Getting absorbed into the pace of others, and forgetting the importance of truth. Never be satisfied by what others tell you, and constantly remember to look for the truth.
You never know what you might learn, and what you might realize. For truth can easily turn to lies, and lies can easily be broken by truth. Don't put others in a position below you, and constantly expect to know what is truth. Because you'll only see what you want to see, and it's quite a tragedy when people suffer needlessly.
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I always write these elaborate messages, evoked from the deepest portions of my emotion contained within every fiber of my being, and yet somehow through it all, I manage to discard it.. Curious, as to why, yet I don't really care.
Ultimately, I pose one single question: (And no, I'm not asking you to share with me what it is that you truly seek for in this lifetime, and I might even go as far as to say, even the answer doesn't matter; rather, it's having asked yourself this question, and being completely honest with the answer)
What do you want?
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I've been thinking about this a lot, mainly about the burdens we each
bear, and how we all deal with them.. Rarely do we ever really see a
person truly blame themselves for anything in their life. Arguments,
conflicts, and just problems, it makes it easier if we shift the blame.
I want to say, it's because if we truly blame ourselves, we'll find out
a lot of things we never really wanted too. Things about ourselves,
that we never really understood.
And yea, I can tell, a lot of people, when asked, will always blame the
other person, and if they blame themselves, not saying they are
insincere, but they probably are. Because really, deep down, like being
humble, and modest, lies a root of insincerity.. It's probably because
arrogance leads to a form of jealousy and hatred. And pride also stems
for a high sense of arrogance. Yet being humbling, holds a weird taste
in my mouth.. probably because I don't truly believe in complete
selflessness, and not that it's a bad thing, but rather, it's just not
being completely honest with how you feel or react to a certain
situation. I suppose, if we were always completely honest, we'd be
animalistic in a sense, and there's a big idea of self-control, but
sometimes, I wonder where that road leads us.. because we have
separated us, making sure not to classify us as 'beasts' but really,
that's just an egotistical ideal.. like, we're so much better.
Haha, but yea, back to my original point.. I was just thinking about
sin, and Satan, and how, I feel like we always blame them for all of
our shortcomings. But we weren't made perfect, and there's this idea
that we have some sort of control, some sort of choice in what we do,
that destiny doesn't completely control our lives. And I feel like we
continue to shift the blame, even if we don't even notice. I think it's
important, every once in a while, to own up to those burdens, and
perhaps, blame yourself for once, and I mean really blame yourself, for
everything that's happened in your life. You can live, blaming others,
and that's fine, but you'll never progress as a person, so I guess,
just do yourself that favor, and when you get into arguments, when you
start to hate people, think for a second, that maybe it's your fault,
really believe that for a moment, and maybe you'll see things
differently..
When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
So if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything's not lost
Honestly, it's not easy, and I don't even know if it's fully possible,
but, for your own sake, I think you should try. It's easy.. to blame
someone else.. cuz yea.. it's easy.. but.. I'll be counting up my
demons, hoping everything's not lost
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